Heartbeat



It’s crazy that you lay and love the sound of my heart beat

Because since your birth, you’re the only reason I have one

You keep me going when the forecast seems shitty

I always know it gets better because I have a sun

My shining light that guides me

Your love, it overrides me

And my desires to be free

My decadent ways to destroy any and everything

Forever mine forever me, Augustus you’re so special

I always need my space but with you, you’re my exception

You’re annoying and you know it and you love it so much

And I’ll never stop fighting, no matter how tough

To figure out how to show my heart

Even if it means to cut it out

For you I’ll always speak my mind

For you I’ll learn how to not shut you out

Instead I’ll start to shout it out; scream it from my diaphragm

If this lesson takes forever, I’ll show you my love to the day I’m dying man

And your counterpart has me crying man

Because I love the one that gave me you

But it’s harder to show your mom this side, sometimes it seems sustainable

And other times it isn’t, so I hide from your moms vision

Because I’m a wordsmith that’s left wordless

When it comes to showing gratitude

Instead I get confused and get shy and show my fucking attitude

She deserves better than I think I can ever be

But so do you, and I’m never leaving, so you’re both stuck with me

I’m so imperfect and irregular

My flaws shine like a beacon

And I hope to God that you won’t have them

I’d rather make a deal with a demon

Sell my soul to save you from me

Daddy will die if it could make you two more complete

self destructive ways have always been my wave

But for my son and his mother, I’d like to pledge on this day

I will improve and beat the dead trends of the daddy that spawned me

I will learn to love and care forever even when the class has me yawning

I will fuck up over and over, but I won’t forget to fix it

And I’ll find a way to shut up long enough to show you both I can listen

I’ll stop trying to be broken alone and find glue to fix the shattered parts of me

I promise these things as long as you promise to forever love my heart beat…



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Ascension of my Alzheimer’s

I recall being enthralled 

Captivated by your calls

Aggravated with any pause

In our time together

It gave me daily withdrawals

Needle in my vein

Needless to say that in my brain

My heroine was my heroin

My heroin made me narrow with

Options of how I could kick habits

Harrowed by the thought of our high not lasting

Blasting my way through the nostalgia we once shared

Glossing over all the fights and how we each faired

Paired with my lies are visions of a dream

But they’re fading so fast I search for my esteem

And it’s gone, nonexistent 

Can’t remember where I spent it

But I know myself that it was wagered

Against the love that I once favored

I lost it all, whole lot wasted on a table

Hooked on your drug, roll pot thinking of our fable

Stable is what I’m not

Capable of seeing the plot

But so jaded by your love

That my addiction couldn’t stop

I used to love you for your mammaries 

Now I don’t love you, just our memories

And those are becoming transparent 

As I flirt with what’s apparent:

the past is the past; What we had didn’t last

And I’m left forgetting about forever

Writing as therapy trying to make my thoughts sound clever

But it never translates from brain to the page

I can’t do our past justice so why do I even engage?

Enraged at the fact that we couldn’t maintain

Encaged by the thoughts that what we had has now raised

And ascended to evaporate, be one with the clouds

Spending eternity sprawling in the sky while I’m high on the ground

And I sigh at the sound 

Of things that make me think of a better time

I’m stuck trying to recall a time when I ever smiled

Tick tick, Alzheimer’s, soon come is my fate 

Running so long from it I’ve forgotten loves face

But Time has never met loss 

And all my loss comes with time

I can’t remember a better love

Can’t think of a better rhyme

I’m stuck with an incomplete picture or puzzle 

Pieces all in disarray

I’m trying to remember anything but depression

But my mind can’t turn past this page

And can’t seem to fathom ever feeling loved
So I remind myself, by staring at the clouds up above

Ascension of my Alzheimer’s 

1/12

The Dozens

1/12

It’s like… 2 am and I swear I can’t sleep

Try to will myself to dream, but my will is too weak

I lay still as time kills, trying to count some fucking sheep 

But I’m scared to shut my eyes, nightmares are on the creep
Sheesh, this shit is deep, my brain won’t stop the run 

Climbing through my thoughts, but a mountain they’ve become

From right here I look down and it’s all so scary

Reflecting on my past and skeletons I thought were buried 

It’s hectic how my ass has managed to manage what I carry

Baggage swinging all around and I just pivot and parry 
Deflecting all the questions, dress my outsides up nice

Provide a front for all your eyes, but it’s really just a slice

Of the pie made of lies that I serve you on the daily

To get to the roots I’ll use a pen and speak the truth like Alex Haley
My Rolodex of memories seems to be outdated 

And filled with outcasts

Lists of people that I allowed my ego to outlast 

Things would get tough and I would just pull out masks

To hide my face or make you wanna hide yours

It was brutal how I was as a kid, did no chores

Only committed crimes and tried to cause pain 

Because my mind frame, was a little bit stained

And tainted and tarnished, it needed a newer varnish 

But I was sick from the jump, I couldn’t tell you how it started
But I can tell you how it finished

Me mistreating some women

Making them all suffer

because my love was just

tougher

Our path was just rougher

And you couldn’t handle that shit so you became the disrupter

You became the disturbed and I became the perturbed

Eventually we both ended up being the one on the curb
And man that all hurts, and I don’t cope too well

I need to find something to help, maybe a hopeful spell 

I feel hopeless hell, because I’ve seen the worst of life

I just don’t react too it, I’m nonchalant to the strife

Because my path is socio

My logic is very psycho

So when I’m smiling it might mean that I really do not like you
Maybe not. 
Either way I found ways to play victim

Blamed it on whoever had ears and they would listen 

Anybody could get it, anybody could witness

The fact that I was spewing lies, blaming these women for my afflictions 
Born with these issues that I pushed on others

But that’s too much for part 1, look through the rest of the dozens 

  

February #KOTD Challenge

So… I challenged one of my good friends to a sneaker challenge for the month of February. For the culture, for bragging rights, for fun, and to just flex my kick closet.  I knew he had some heat, but I wasn’t scared because I knew what I had. And the story that unfolded turned out to be fun. Also, local kick connoisseurs KC Sole did the judging. So here we are 21 days in, 7 left, I think it’s a dope time to recap.

—————————-
Day 1 BHM Kyries vs Floral KDs

  
Day 2 Bourdeaux Jordan 7s vs Laney Jordan 14s

  
Day 3 Army Camo Foamposite vs Flint Jordan 13s

  
Day 4 Grape Jordan 5s vs Do The Right Thing Jordan 3s

  
Day 5 Dunkman Lebron 8s vs Cool Grey Jordan 9s

  
Day 6 Christmas KD 4s vs Solar Red Lebron 8 lows

  
Day 7 Aqua Jordan 8s vs Oreo Jordan 4s

  
Day 8 Liverpool Lebron 9 lows vs Gold Melo Jordan 1s

  
Day 9 Mumbo sauce KD 5s vs Playoff Jordan 8s

  
Day 10 Invisibility Cloak Penny 5s vs Watermelon Lebron 10 lows

  
Day 11 Bama Bo Jackson’s vs Ken Griffey’s

  
Day 12 Chicago 10s vs Reebok Kamikazes

  
Day 13 All star game Kyrie 1s vs Cement Jordan 4s

  
Day 14 All star game Fab Fives vs Columbia Jordan 11s

  
Day 15 Graffiti Lebron 11s vs Blue Victor Cruzs

  
Day 16 Allan Houston Flightposite vs Olympic Jordan 7s

  
Day 17 Tuxedo low top Jordan 11s vs Infrared Jordan 6s

  
Day 18 Black Suede KD 7 ext vs Georgetown Iversons

  
Day 19 Thunder Jordan 4s vs Gamma Blue Jordan 12s

  
Day 20 Platinum Lebron 10s vs Big Bang Lebron 9s

  
Day 21 Weatherman Foamposite vs Black/Chrome low top Jordan 6s

  

Day 22 Carmine Jordan 6s vs Flu Game Jordan 12s

 Seven days left… So much heat left!!
The countdown begins…

Last seven days..

Day 23

Pink Foamposites   
Versus

Kobe 2 Prelude  

 
Day 24

Military Blue Jordan IVs

  
Versus

Laser Jordan XV

 
Day 25

Dunk From Above Jordan 5s low top

  

Versus

Playoff Jordan 12s

   
Day 26

 Ferrari red Jordan 14  
Versus

Maroon Jordan 6

 
Day 27 

Playoff Jordan 11s  

 
Versus 

Cool grey Jordan 3s

  

Day 28

Black Cement Jordan 3s

  
Versus

Concord Jordan 11s

  
Day 29

Coke White Foamposite

  
Versus 

Laney Jordan 5

  
  …and the winner for the month is Montay.

The Life of Pablo – Kanye West

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ntvyv0frikw09uj/AAA4awDLlpw3Z2o7KoacU55La?dl=0  

Trapped

Trapped
I’m at my breaking point

And the cliffs edge looks sexy 

Ive written my suicide note

It’s getting sent through texting

I’m thinking come see me fall

And so I Cc: All

Hoping that someone cares enough to give me a call

And maybe be my saving grace 

I say that it is way too late 

But really I need attention and im hoping that what I crave today

Is turned on high as I receive it, why?

Because this wind up this high is kinda deceiving, die

Is what might happen if a gust has the thrust

That my legs just don’t

Or if my cowardice takes a break because my depression just won’t

It never lets up and so I’m always here

At the end of my wits

Fighting and slicing through life And tussling with fear

Same as my skin, when it’s hit with slits

So I quit this shit

I won’t miss this shit

Tortured by thoughts of what ifs and handcuffed by hopes of what isn’t

And never could be

I’m never choosy

So long as I’m gone couldn’t care less about a funeral or wake viewing

Splat on the ground, or a cobain to the brain

Or percocets in my system until time stops, not just delayed

And that’s just fine because I’m trapped

So I think I’m going to lean forward, with no slack

The cliffs edge is where my feet can relax

And so I’m done!

Don’t even text me back 

#MOOD

#Mood 

Is sadness everlasting?

Or as fleeting as the passions? 

Will you fill this hole in my heart?

Or leave it like this glass is?

Empty and shattered, because I smashes

Classless; the way that I degrade with my crassness

Brashness my friend when I’m faking like I grasp it

But really my lungs have collapsed and I’m no longer even gasping

Lifeless but alert

that my life just isn’t worth

A smile nor a smirk,

or acknowledgement that I was hurt

And knowledge said this wouldn’t work

And that you would just besmirch 

Like every other thing in a skirt

Does

when they get ahold of what my shirt

Hugs

Fucking thugs

My chest is tight and it’s constricting

My life flashes and it’s glistening

I’m seeing moments of me missing

Covered by pounds of your makeup of what you wanted me to be on my mask that i wasn’t lifting

My tangent 

Has left my brain damaged

And it’s pungent right now 

In this dungeon, a light found 

Is just hope but I have less

So I combine those shits

Because tomorrow’s never promised

And thank god because those are squandered

And dreams get pilfered

So this is my nightmare and I refuse to filter

Like flint

I’m at a loss because my mind has been spent

I have no Pennies left, I’ve lost my two cents

To the rapist that broke the locking of our pinky fingers

I’ve got no sense to walk away from your love so I just linger

I ramble through my thoughts because my oxygen is low

I reach my hand up to the ceiling because I see a slight glow

And I hope that it is the warmth of something good

Dont know what to do with it anyway, wouldn’t accept it if I could

Because Im used to 1 love and 1 pain, the brand that you deliver

The kind that makes me itch, the kind that makes me shiver

So instead of trying to grip it?

I say fuck it and keep slipping

Down this same old path

Holding on to my same old wrath

And rage and hate for this cycle of perpetuity

This mood is my reality, I want nothing but you and me