All the Sweet Things

All the Sweet Things

I want all the sweet things

Please, just oblige

Because life has been sour for a very long time

I want the chocolates of love

And the sweetest words you can imagine

Praise for my smile and compliments for my fashion

Everything superficial

The artificial sweeteners

Anything that’ll help me in the morning to keep keeping up

And waking up

And motivating

And living this life

I need sweets for energy to keep fighting this fight

Against sadness

It so happens

That the sweets provide glances

At what other people feel under their normal circumstances

But I’m different

And I’m lacking

Of the sweetness of serotonin

And I’m scared

That I’m backing

Myself into a corner in this moment

Where I’ll have to change

Because excuses

Can’t maintain

When I get the sweets

And I’ll lose my edge

And the things

That make me unique

So maybe there’s another way

A plan to delay

Giving in to the sweetness or the kindness of the words that people say

Instead I can hide

Indulge in the sweetness of the lies

That depression always tells me

Okay, this shit is helping

No need to be better when I don’t believe that it exists

I can shun all my hopes because I’m satisfied living in shit

Wallow in the filth and sadness of my life

Embrace the loneliness that comes with forfeiting the fight

Against the weight that is depression

Collapse beneath, and my confession

Is that it never stole my sense of self

Or made me feel anything else

That I didn’t already think

So when depression comes around I do not blink

Instead I close my eyes and accept this is my fate

Because I’ve lost all my things, and I don’t care to get them back, it’s just too late

This was not a theft, but rather capitulation, I just admit defeat

It’s too hard to yearn for all those things when the lies of depression are just as sweet

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This Doesn’t Deserve a Title

This Doesn’t Deserve a Title

I used to tell horrific lies

Because they were cooler than the truth

And being cool mattered to me

The truth was always ugly

But I could paint beautiful lies about horrifying realities

And at least make you feel intrigued

I thought being interesting was better than being honest

And honestly I’ve never been interested in being anything

But your interest in me almost made me an honest man

And man that feeling intrigued me over time and it compounded interest that honestly never existed before

Before you I couldn’t care less about living honestly or even living to be honest, so you became my interest and I’m interested in learning the Gods honest truth of how

You didn’t break through a shell or climb over a wall

You became a mentally broken mans obsession

He will say that he loves you but really he’s just enthralled

And that feeling is fleeting.

So eventually he will decide that you’re boring.

He might try to manipulate

And wait until you capitulate

And give in to what he wants

But the chase it what gets that serotonin rising

As soon as you give in, you’re boring again.

So the game gets changed

Because his brains deranged

You think the snake is under your control

Because it’s been… defanged?

As soon as you relax he’s going to bite you.

These are just thoughts

produced through an episode of my medicine trying to do its job

against a brain that knows that the medicine is trying to do its job

It’s the resistance

And the revolution is being broadcasted

Through the words that drip from my thumbs

As I press and press hoping that at some point the words start to flow and connect before my hands are just numb

Right now I feel like I can write for days

But I’m tethered to reality by responsibility that makes writing my way to the grave

Seem like a poor choice, and that reality makes me feel pure dismay

Beyond trying to rhyme I’m trying make sense

To myself

when I read this later I hope that it helps

But it won’t

I’m divorced from the hope

My therapist tells me that eventually this gets better

I’d like to ask her “how soon” but I’m afraid that she’ll accidentally speak the truth and say “never”

She says “it’ll be like you’re seeing the world through new glasses”

And I can’t help but wonder what I’ll miss with these things blocking my view

Maybe I’m worrying too much about things I have no power over

And I need to try to learn to—

I’m tired of writing now.

Deliver

Deliver

I’ll give you all of me

Even though…

me and my soul aren’t perfect

I’ll deliver all my love

Even though…

I’m sure that it’s not worth it

I’m a broken man

I swung and broke my hand

On the mirror and it mirrored

How my soul feels and I fear the

Result of my lacking

Will provoke your backing

Away from what I offer

I produce some shit that’s nastier than the mucus of a cougher

Because I’m lost and I’m empty

My dark sides tempting

And temptation is a weakness

That’s often left me peeking

Over my shoulder to the past

At the struggles I’ve had

And the pain I’ve endured

My life… been shitty like manure

So I block out the details because I’m frail and can’t maneuver

Around these land mines

So I resolve to plant shrines

Of excuses and mistakes

A monument to my fate

And my past, all at once

Flashback to that punch

And the glass that ricocheted

It’s kinda sad it ends this way

But I give you all my skills

All my flaws, all the thrills

That comes with my imperfection

This is my love. Do not reject it.

Raw Dogging Reality

Raw Dogging Reality

It’s like going through life

With eyes and shitty sight

Listening to music

But the bass ain’t hitting right

Smelling the flowers

But nostrils are kind of tight

Memory’s aren’t yours but you see yourself in them

Decisions “you” made the other day, you must defend them

Because the person acting out

Had your face

And your loved ones didn’t know

That you were at that place

Where your mood swings in a way that you can’t keep up

Rag dolling you around so you’re lifeless and you can’t speak up

Because you’re muzzled

Suffocated by indecision; that’s your struggle

Unable to trust your own words, and your brain is this puzzle

Where the shapes and sizes don’t fit, some days you want to quit, but then one day flirts and provides hope, and those days are a bitch

The highs get you high

You feel like you can run through a wall

And the lows are so low

You contemplate ending it all

And that’s okay, because at least with those shifts you can manage, right?

You have an idea of the impact, you can assess all the damage, right?

The worst days are the days where the mood swings are non stop

You’re happy then you’re sad, you’re in a rage and then you’re not

And you have no idea what’s coming next

Your loved ones think they know you best

But through the smiles on the surface all you really want is death

Mood swings so exhausting that you yearn for that depression

You’d kill anybody to get your brains to stop talking and asking questions

The noises get so loud when my mood is all over

I catch on to a voice giving me guidance, tapping on my shoulder

Whispers and nudges to make everything better

A gentle hand holding your hand as you strain to write the letter

Explaining how your life would be easier if it just… wasn’t

And saying sorry to your family but you know it means… nothin

Your companion, that one voice, it’s been with you through it all

Is even offering the choice on how you end it all

You’ve got pills, you’ve got a knife, you can do it in traffic

But then you’d probably kill, that’s not right, that would maybe be tragic

So you’re brainstorming with the voice and it reminds you of the rope

And you’ve decided that it’s time, but then you accidentally hear hope

A new voice has taken over now

Reminding you not to frown

Keep your head up, you can make it

Just talk to your family, they’ll help you shake this

So you try it and it works

Maybe for a short while

But it’s long enough to give you doubt the next time you feel down

So you constantly feel the pull from these two extremes, feeling every range of emotion in between

It’s wild because normal people expect you to just be okay, it’s like asking you to fight gravity

This is a day in the life of someone that’s Raw Dogging Reality

Imagine that every day, every moment

You have no protection from the trauma and the struggle of just existing

Because your brain won’t let you deal with it

Little things like leaving the bed feel like that toughest task possible to one brain

And then after you finally do it, another brain pops in and won’t let you be proud of the accomplishment

And so you start your day

You might start off feeling defeated, you might start off feeling invincible

The only certainty that you have though, is that your day will be full of twists and turns of the emotional variety, and it probably won’t end where it started

And that has to be okay

You can’t stress too much because then you let the depressive brain in

You can’t just ignore it and focus on the “bright side” because then the manic brain creeps up

So you’re constantly expending your energy throughout the day trying to… find a balance that you can just live with and survive with

And… you can’t.

Raw Dogging Reality; going through life without protection from life — IE: therapy, doctors, medicine, support system, coping skills…

#blackboyjoy

Black Boy Joy

Something I always found elusive

Because when I felt emotional I was offered these solutions:

Put some dirt on it, toughen up little nigga

Whole time I’m wondering why when my dad comes around this hole in my heart gets bigger

So the only “joy” I had in my youth

Was my oldest sister, that’s the truth

Because if I smiled too hard I got in trouble

I was conditioned to walk around with a frown because “the world don’t love you”

And I don’t love shit, I got it put into my skin

Ain’t no love, so I’ll put my energy into sin

But then church becomes my punishment

And the crowd that I’m running with

Has me holding weed and guns and shit

I first got arrested at 14, prison pipeline was coming quick

I had fun and acted out, my only escape

I walked funny because my back was in pain from shouldering all the weight

Of depression and loneliness, the opposite of joy

I saw kids that were happy, so I stole their toys

I saw a kid that had a father, so I pushed that boy

Got suspended and acted tough, anything but coy

Whole time inside I was dying

I kept it bottled up, I was lying

Dad was in jail, I wasn’t trying

To be like him

But I had only learned his ways

I earned those days in cuffs and cop cars

Because I yearned his praise

He didn’t see me

My mother did but she was broken

Doing drugs, then started strokin

Her brain was never the same

And my pain still remained

I lashed out at my siblings because they had to be to blame

Stealing seconds of my parents attention that they gifted us those days

When they were attentive and loving

Or what I thought love was…

now I know that gave us nothing

Because they really only loved drugs

So this black boy had no joy my nigga

So when I saw it I kind of frowned and got annoyed my nigga

My nigga

I have so many happy memories that are tainted by the truth

Of the e(in)ternal emptiness I felt as I was dying as a youth

And now as an adult, with my tie and my suit

I try my best to rebuild my heart— yo I look fly in this suit

And even that goes back to Shit I lacked as a kid

My parents didn’t teach me shit, I learned how to tie a tie from a YouTube vid…

In my 20s!

So now I wear bright colors

Distracting from my black heart

And I smile at others

To avoid the “angry black man” part

And I’m trying to play my role

And I’m trying to cleanse my soul

But I’m holding on to the pain and this goddamn toll

That I was forced to pay when I was born into an America that hates me

With two parents that cared more about crack than my dreams or who I wanted to be

It’s taxing.

So I hate the hash tag about black boy joy

Because coming up there was no joy in being a black boy

Maybe I can make it better for my son…

Eye to I: Separation

Eye to I: Separation

I think I see you clearly

I think I know myself

And I can’t treat you dearly

Nearly at a point where I cry at the thought

Of ever being happy

And instead of letting them flow, these tears I have fought

Caught myself slipping saying I love you

The thought of anything else was silly when I touched you

I owe you an explanation

Of why every time we get close I search for separation

Anticipation of seeing you again gave my heart palpitations

And I didn’t know how to handle it so again, separation

When I thought of giving it a chance my brain filled with hesitation

So instead of taking that leap, I hid under separation

I met you and I was lost, nose open, had no preparation

So to keep myself safe I sniffed out separation

No matter how hard I hid, your love made me feel levitation

And I’m afraid of you and your love more than heights so I clung to separation

You hung in there, hoping that one day I’d reach a better placement

And your patience was so warm but I decided to stay cold with separation

I thought maybe you would stop and give me isolation

Because when I’m alone I have excuses of why I love separation

I can tell myself “it’s cool, it wouldn’t have worked” to maintain the separation

I can lie to you and say I don’t know why but really I just love my separation

The safety of this place keeps my heart from getting tainted

And I can ignore my mental health and just sit and be complacent

Just wallow in my filth instead of trying for purification

And you’re the one that gets hurt because I lean on separation

And I’m sorry for the fact that I’m shitty at relations

But I’d rather be shitty so you give me separation

Instead of trying to be a good person and give you gratification

Because I don’t really know how to show that I love you

I don’t know how to stop putting my need for separation above you

You deserve better than I think I’m capable of delivering

I lack the confidence to grow so I find myself shivering

I love you.

I don’t have a fancy way to say it.

I’m sorry for all of the time that you wasted.

I’m sorry that my words are empty because my actions don’t show

I’m sorry that I ever sent you a message

I’m sorry that I can’t pay what I owe…

I’m sorry that I’m rambling…

Running out of time, I’m scrambling…

I’m sorry that I’ve ever given your eyes precipitation

So now I’ll leave you alone, I’ll give you separation

The Purge

The Purge

It’s dark out

And I know you’re feeling lonely again

Wandering these streets, the lights’ flicker is your only friend

But it’s fickle

And never seems to be there when you need it

I know you’re afraid that the shadows become an opportunity for heathens

To creep up and take advantage

Cause emotional damage

Torturing you with their love

This road’s hard, how do you manage?

To keep navigating. Searching for the right one.

So dangerous being here alone, you don’t have a knife, gun,

Or pepper spray or whistle

Baby girl they’re gonna get you

Why is your heart on your sleeve?

How do you still believe?

In love…

Because me? I gave up way back

Purged myself of these feelings so I could only say facts

Not influenced by heart or soul, you see I made pacts

With the devil for that shit, for the day when I lay flat

But you somehow persevere

You smile through your fear

You love likes it’s your last day

You ignore their past ways

You give and you give until you find yourself empty

And all these guys are predators, you’re a walking lick to them, simply

I’m trying to state it gently so as not to be hurtful

But how the fuck are you still able to love after everything that these jerks do?

How is your capacity to care so much higher than mine?

Why did I get my heart broken and decide to just hide?

Why do you look in the face of a bad guy and see the good?

Why am I afraid to look in the mirror, or do the things that I should?

I should fight back, try to find something better for me

I should probably take the time to address all my mental health needs

I need to open up, be honest about my sins

I should apologize to every relationship that I ever let end

Because I wasn’t ready or because I was afraid to try

I’m feeling weak right now because I see you and realize you aren’t afraid to die

You love so hard and you trust so fast

Your time’s running out so you just enjoy the moment, you make that shit last

I want to be like you and be able to love, I have this urge

I’ve got to kill my past ways, Pardon me while I Purge