#blackboyjoy

Black Boy Joy

Something I always found elusive

Because when I felt emotional I was offered these solutions:

Put some dirt on it, toughen up little nigga

Whole time I’m wondering why when my dad comes around this hole in my heart gets bigger

So the only “joy” I had in my youth

Was my oldest sister, that’s the truth

Because if I smiled too hard I got in trouble

I was conditioned to walk around with a frown because “the world don’t love you”

And I don’t love shit, I got it put into my skin

Ain’t no love, so I’ll put my energy into sin

But then church becomes my punishment

And the crowd that I’m running with

Has me holding weed and guns and shit

I first got arrested at 14, prison pipeline was coming quick

I had fun and acted out, my only escape

I walked funny because my back was in pain from shouldering all the weight

Of depression and loneliness, the opposite of joy

I saw kids that were happy, so I stole their toys

I saw a kid that had a father, so I pushed that boy

Got suspended and acted tough, anything but coy

Whole time inside I was dying

I kept it bottled up, I was lying

Dad was in jail, I wasn’t trying

To be like him

But I had only learned his ways

I earned those days in cuffs and cop cars

Because I yearned his praise

He didn’t see me

My mother did but she was broken

Doing drugs, then started strokin

Her brain was never the same

And my pain still remained

I lashed out at my siblings because they had to be to blame

Stealing seconds of my parents attention that they gifted us those days

When they were attentive and loving

Or what I thought love was…

now I know that gave us nothing

Because they really only loved drugs

So this black boy had no joy my nigga

So when I saw it I kind of frowned and got annoyed my nigga

My nigga

I have so many happy memories that are tainted by the truth

Of the e(in)ternal emptiness I felt as I was dying as a youth

And now as an adult, with my tie and my suit

I try my best to rebuild my heart— yo I look fly in this suit

And even that goes back to Shit I lacked as a kid

My parents didn’t teach me shit, I learned how to tie a tie from a YouTube vid…

In my 20s!

So now I wear bright colors

Distracting from my black heart

And I smile at others

To avoid the “angry black man” part

And I’m trying to play my role

And I’m trying to cleanse my soul

But I’m holding on to the pain and this goddamn toll

That I was forced to pay when I was born into an America that hates me

With two parents that cared more about crack than my dreams or who I wanted to be

It’s taxing.

So I hate the hash tag about black boy joy

Because coming up there was no joy in being a black boy

Maybe I can make it better for my son…

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Eye to I: Separation

Eye to I: Separation

I think I see you clearly

I think I know myself

And I can’t treat you dearly

Nearly at a point where I cry at the thought

Of ever being happy

And instead of letting them flow, these tears I have fought

Caught myself slipping saying I love you

The thought of anything else was silly when I touched you

I owe you an explanation

Of why every time we get close I search for separation

Anticipation of seeing you again gave my heart palpitations

And I didn’t know how to handle it so again, separation

When I thought of giving it a chance my brain filled with hesitation

So instead of taking that leap, I hid under separation

I met you and I was lost, nose open, had no preparation

So to keep myself safe I sniffed out separation

No matter how hard I hid, your love made me feel levitation

And I’m afraid of you and your love more than heights so I clung to separation

You hung in there, hoping that one day I’d reach a better placement

And your patience was so warm but I decided to stay cold with separation

I thought maybe you would stop and give me isolation

Because when I’m alone I have excuses of why I love separation

I can tell myself “it’s cool, it wouldn’t have worked” to maintain the separation

I can lie to you and say I don’t know why but really I just love my separation

The safety of this place keeps my heart from getting tainted

And I can ignore my mental health and just sit and be complacent

Just wallow in my filth instead of trying for purification

And you’re the one that gets hurt because I lean on separation

And I’m sorry for the fact that I’m shitty at relations

But I’d rather be shitty so you give me separation

Instead of trying to be a good person and give you gratification

Because I don’t really know how to show that I love you

I don’t know how to stop putting my need for separation above you

You deserve better than I think I’m capable of delivering

I lack the confidence to grow so I find myself shivering

I love you.

I don’t have a fancy way to say it.

I’m sorry for all of the time that you wasted.

I’m sorry that my words are empty because my actions don’t show

I’m sorry that I ever sent you a message

I’m sorry that I can’t pay what I owe…

I’m sorry that I’m rambling…

Running out of time, I’m scrambling…

I’m sorry that I’ve ever given your eyes precipitation

So now I’ll leave you alone, I’ll give you separation

The Purge

The Purge

It’s dark out

And I know you’re feeling lonely again

Wandering these streets, the lights’ flicker is your only friend

But it’s fickle

And never seems to be there when you need it

I know you’re afraid that the shadows become an opportunity for heathens

To creep up and take advantage

Cause emotional damage

Torturing you with their love

This road’s hard, how do you manage?

To keep navigating. Searching for the right one.

So dangerous being here alone, you don’t have a knife, gun,

Or pepper spray or whistle

Baby girl they’re gonna get you

Why is your heart on your sleeve?

How do you still believe?

In love…

Because me? I gave up way back

Purged myself of these feelings so I could only say facts

Not influenced by heart or soul, you see I made pacts

With the devil for that shit, for the day when I lay flat

But you somehow persevere

You smile through your fear

You love likes it’s your last day

You ignore their past ways

You give and you give until you find yourself empty

And all these guys are predators, you’re a walking lick to them, simply

I’m trying to state it gently so as not to be hurtful

But how the fuck are you still able to love after everything that these jerks do?

How is your capacity to care so much higher than mine?

Why did I get my heart broken and decide to just hide?

Why do you look in the face of a bad guy and see the good?

Why am I afraid to look in the mirror, or do the things that I should?

I should fight back, try to find something better for me

I should probably take the time to address all my mental health needs

I need to open up, be honest about my sins

I should apologize to every relationship that I ever let end

Because I wasn’t ready or because I was afraid to try

I’m feeling weak right now because I see you and realize you aren’t afraid to die

You love so hard and you trust so fast

Your time’s running out so you just enjoy the moment, you make that shit last

I want to be like you and be able to love, I have this urge

I’ve got to kill my past ways, Pardon me while I Purge

Happy Poem

Happy Poem

I woke up

And looked around and saw nothing

No annoyances to cater to

And not a person to keep touching

I understand your love languages

But I think that Shit is stupid

You’re an adult, learn to cope

Because your bullshit is putrid

Wash it off, take a hike

Find somebody else to find closure with

Because I have no words of affirmation

I just have three words “get over it”

My boulder is, big as shit

Resting on my shoulders now

I shoulder shrug

Just to watch that shit tumble down

And roll. Crush everybody on my back

Destroy responsibilities, leave my troubles all flat

Now I can breathe easy, exhale in this hell

I smile as I look around, no longer held in this cell

And I tell you this tale, with one goal in this song

To help you understand that I’m happier alone

🙃🙃🙃

Everlasting

Everlasting

Please tell me that this shit is everlasting

I just got a taste. But I feel like I was fasting

Gasping…

For air and now it’s clear

That you are what I need so I fight to keep you near

Fear…

That one day you’ll wise up and bounce

Rise up and leave after draining me of my last ounce

Ouch…

The pain that you bring

When I ask you stay but you still just leave

Please…

Find it in your heart to keep going

I promise I can do better, I promise I’ll keep growing

Clawing…

My way out of this ditch

I dug my own grave, I made my own pit

Shit…

And now I’m too weak to keep climbing

So I’ll sit in my sorrows, I found my end in my mining

Finding…

The thing that I always desired

A place to be alone, solitude I’ve acquired

Tired…

So I’ll nap in this dirt

I’ll tuck myself in with the worms, whisper sweet nothings as I flirt

With death…

I can’t articulate the euphoria that I’m grasping

So I’ll shut the fuck up and enjoy the pain, everlasting

Full of Emptiness

Full of Emptiness

Drowning in a sea full of empty

This syndrome that I have makes death sound tempting

The ceiling made of glass always seemed unforgiving

So I’m reluctant to approach unless the shards will make my life stop living

Glistening in my eye is the memory of what I had

Listening to my lies could make you feel so sad

Because I’m a deceiver, the best of my kind these days

Selling dreams to everybody is the game that I played

And I lost

Not because you beat me but because I got bored

Another thing that I’ll remember when my mind feels torn

Scorned by the truth and chastised by the righteous

I’m told I can be a better person, but I refuse to try it

Because the thought of being someone that you want makes me feel violent

So I ball my fists and rely on my fightin’

My words swing hard and this shit cuts deep

And it’s easier to be this way because the path to improvement seems so steep

And it gleams at me

Something shiny, I should want it

And I do

But I don’t

So I lock in to this gauntlet

Show me my opponent

Show me what it’s costin’

Searching for a price too high and I can’t find one

Sell my soul just so I don’t have to be told I have a kind one

Break my heart to a million pieces so coroners wont find none

Leave my feelings tucked away in the shadows so I can deny them

Close my eyes to your love because that love shit is frightening

Sacrificing who I am just to make you happy is less likely than getting double struck by lightening

I knows it’s trifling

But it’s how I want to be

Drift away in the waves of this treacherous sea

And the only treasures I need?

Are solitude, silence, and to finally be free

Vindicated from the hatred

Removed from the places

That people tried to place me so they could feel placated

The expiration of my patience has long since been dated

And yet I’m still waiting

For the water to rush, that cool shit takes me under

I can finally stop trying to change me into a different someone

A stranger in the mirror so I want to eat the glass

My reflection in the water looks true to me at last

And I’m surrounded by something, so strong and yet it kills me gently

I exhale all my life and inhale until my body is full of water and my mind is full of empty

Heartbeat



It’s crazy that you lay and love the sound of my heart beat

Because since your birth, you’re the only reason I have one

You keep me going when the forecast seems shitty

I always know it gets better because I have a sun

My shining light that guides me

Your love, it overrides me

And my desires to be free

My decadent ways to destroy any and everything

Forever mine forever me, Augustus you’re so special

I always need my space but with you, you’re my exception

You’re annoying and you know it and you love it so much

And I’ll never stop fighting, no matter how tough

To figure out how to show my heart

Even if it means to cut it out

For you I’ll always speak my mind

For you I’ll learn how to not shut you out

Instead I’ll start to shout it out; scream it from my diaphragm

If this lesson takes forever, I’ll show you my love to the day I’m dying man

And your counterpart has me crying man

Because I love the one that gave me you

But it’s harder to show your mom this side, sometimes it seems sustainable

And other times it isn’t, so I hide from your moms vision

Because I’m a wordsmith that’s left wordless

When it comes to showing gratitude

Instead I get confused and get shy and show my fucking attitude

She deserves better than I think I can ever be

But so do you, and I’m never leaving, so you’re both stuck with me

I’m so imperfect and irregular

My flaws shine like a beacon

And I hope to God that you won’t have them

I’d rather make a deal with a demon

Sell my soul to save you from me

Daddy will die if it could make you two more complete

self destructive ways have always been my wave

But for my son and his mother, I’d like to pledge on this day

I will improve and beat the dead trends of the daddy that spawned me

I will learn to love and care forever even when the class has me yawning

I will fuck up over and over, but I won’t forget to fix it

And I’ll find a way to shut up long enough to show you both I can listen

I’ll stop trying to be broken alone and find glue to fix the shattered parts of me

I promise these things as long as you promise to forever love my heart beat…