i’s or whatever

Eyes

The last time you saw me is the last time you’ll see me

Because I’ve found the peace I’ve spent 31 years seeking

I took a peek behind the curtain and I found all my truths

I stopped believing my lies because my eyes saw through

The masks I present are meant to skew what you perceive

And my words are like scriptures; meant to distract and deceive

I spew the trash threw my teeth

And I gnash at defeat

And I gasp as I reach

And start to slash at my…

Wrist until my blood splashes the sheets

And I drown in my pain, let it all flow

The blanket of depression has such a warm glow

Thoughts of insecurity and paranoia, they swarm as they grow

And my resolve can’t resolve anything but to let it all go

Give up and give in, my eyes turn to rivers

I choke and I cough and my bottom lip quivers

And I shiver as I embrace the hug of this death

Don’t blink because you’ll miss it… don’t let your eyes close yet

So I hope that the last time you saw me I was smiling

Because you’ll never see me again because I’m truly done trying

The last time you saw me is the last time you’ll see me

And your eyes fucking suck because they never saw the real me

Depression isn’t always lying

Running

Sprinting

Sweat dripping from my brow

Legs churning arms pumping

But my finish line is without trophies, no ribbons and no podium to take a bow

My muscles are exhausted

My limbs hurting like I’m frostbit

I recorded myself having a mental breakdown today

So I could go back and watch the dismay

I drove around aimlessly looking for the right place to say goodbye

I never found it… no place seemed important enough

So I listened to songs that made me feel something

I tried to drain myself of emotion and let out all of the tears

But it never happened

I tried to drive away from my depression but it was riding shotgun

I’ve tried to run from it but it outpaces me

I’ve tried to fight it but it’s too strong

Ive tried to live with it but this isn’t a life worth living

I got home with a box cutter

I was sure that this was it

But then I felt my courage fade away

My despair hasn’t lessened

My depression hasn’t relented

But I didn’t want him to see me

I didn’t want him to think it was because of him

Or that I didn’t care enough to stay for him

And he’s not old enough to understand that it’s not about me not loving him enough

But about me not loving me at all.

But today I give up

Bankrupt

I’m empty.

I have no more emotional currency to give you.

My “give a fuck” piggy bank is full of dust.

My will to keep going is at a negative balance.

And fuck the wordplay, I’m broke.

Financially.

And emotionally.

I’m afraid I’m going to do something drastic

Consumed by the need to earn so I can swipe this plastic

Unable to manage my funds in a way that makes sense

I’d rather be homeless and alone than have to pay rent

Every month deciding between a bill and spending my money on something that’ll make me smile

Having to ration my emotions so I can be consistent for my child

I had to decide between my phone bill and my medicine a couple weeks back

My medicine is not even crazy expensive but everything else is so I neglected that

For two weeks I let my mind race, pill bottle was empty

And I’m afraid I’m dealing with the consequence because succumbing to the depression is tempting

Every day is a new battle with myself to be better

But I’m sinking into this debt and depression, my dark cloud is my weather

It’s always raining and the rain drops feel so fucking heavy

I’m afraid of getting real help because I’m just not ready

Therapy is too expensive to go as often as I need

And I feel like maybe if I’m gone things would be better off for my seed

Like

He’s still young so maybe he won’t remember i was ever here

His mom can move on and it won’t be too late for someone else to be there

He doesn’t really look like me. So he won’t have that many questions.

Just faded memories and my last name or maybe he’ll get cursed with my depression

That’s great. A legacy. A burden to give my son…

I’m bankrupt, emotionally, what a way to match my funds.

I really tried

I’m Not Happy

People ask “how are you?”

And I find this to be an invitation to lie

Because if I told people the truth

I feel like they would cry

Or I would

Because I could

Never remember a moment where saying fine was anything other than hoping they would leave me alone and stop asking questions

I’m skeptical about whether or not they care so I keep people at a distance so these questions feel superficial and I feel like I need to take lessons

On how to be more honest and maybe get me some help

But nobody knows how I feel inside so their advice isn’t felt

It’s all meant to be positive. Toss me some support.

But it all sounds like a task that isn’t worth the ef-fort

Effort.

“I’m good” but I’m really terrible

Mind is busy with an empty schedule

And when I’m busy I can’t find the focus to be anything but miserable

Spend my time searching for attachments through avenues that are digital

It’s literal, when I say I want to die, and it’s pivotal

That I find a way to stop drowning myself in this ritual

Someone asks if I’m okay

I lie my way through another day

I slide away and hide my face

And feel lonely in a crowded space

And then the same thing tomorrow.

I internally weep and kiss my sorrow

Eternally, I keep finding lies of being fine that I can borrow

This is what I do, it’s who I am

I’m not lying to hurt you, but this smile is my scam

Because if I could press a button and just be gone

I swear to God that I would do that shit and not blink or hesitate or feel this endless pain anymore

Free from visions of my son finding my dead body on the floor

Because I know I’ll break his heart one day

When my courage builds up

And I can disappear and be done

No more fighting to be better, no more of this taking pills stuff

I’m in my office and I’m bawling

Because I can feel my resolve falling

My desire to persevere has been crippled and it’s crawling

Because I know everyday I lie and say I’m fine it’s just one more 24 that I’m stalling

Until I do it.

All the Sweet Things

All the Sweet Things

I want all the sweet things

Please, just oblige

Because life has been sour for a very long time

I want the chocolates of love

And the sweetest words you can imagine

Praise for my smile and compliments for my fashion

Everything superficial

The artificial sweeteners

Anything that’ll help me in the morning to keep keeping up

And waking up

And motivating

And living this life

I need sweets for energy to keep fighting this fight

Against sadness

It so happens

That the sweets provide glances

At what other people feel under their normal circumstances

But I’m different

And I’m lacking

Of the sweetness of serotonin

And I’m scared

That I’m backing

Myself into a corner in this moment

Where I’ll have to change

Because excuses

Can’t maintain

When I get the sweets

And I’ll lose my edge

And the things

That make me unique

So maybe there’s another way

A plan to delay

Giving in to the sweetness or the kindness of the words that people say

Instead I can hide

Indulge in the sweetness of the lies

That depression always tells me

Okay, this shit is helping

No need to be better when I don’t believe that it exists

I can shun all my hopes because I’m satisfied living in shit

Wallow in the filth and sadness of my life

Embrace the loneliness that comes with forfeiting the fight

Against the weight that is depression

Collapse beneath, and my confession

Is that it never stole my sense of self

Or made me feel anything else

That I didn’t already think

So when depression comes around I do not blink

Instead I close my eyes and accept this is my fate

Because I’ve lost all my things, and I don’t care to get them back, it’s just too late

This was not a theft, but rather capitulation, I just admit defeat

It’s too hard to yearn for all those things when the lies of depression are just as sweet

This Doesn’t Deserve a Title

This Doesn’t Deserve a Title

I used to tell horrific lies

Because they were cooler than the truth

And being cool mattered to me

The truth was always ugly

But I could paint beautiful lies about horrifying realities

And at least make you feel intrigued

I thought being interesting was better than being honest

And honestly I’ve never been interested in being anything

But your interest in me almost made me an honest man

And man that feeling intrigued me over time and it compounded interest that honestly never existed before

Before you I couldn’t care less about living honestly or even living to be honest, so you became my interest and I’m interested in learning the Gods honest truth of how

You didn’t break through a shell or climb over a wall

You became a mentally broken mans obsession

He will say that he loves you but really he’s just enthralled

And that feeling is fleeting.

So eventually he will decide that you’re boring.

He might try to manipulate

And wait until you capitulate

And give in to what he wants

But the chase it what gets that serotonin rising

As soon as you give in, you’re boring again.

So the game gets changed

Because his brains deranged

You think the snake is under your control

Because it’s been… defanged?

As soon as you relax he’s going to bite you.

These are just thoughts

produced through an episode of my medicine trying to do its job

against a brain that knows that the medicine is trying to do its job

It’s the resistance

And the revolution is being broadcasted

Through the words that drip from my thumbs

As I press and press hoping that at some point the words start to flow and connect before my hands are just numb

Right now I feel like I can write for days

But I’m tethered to reality by responsibility that makes writing my way to the grave

Seem like a poor choice, and that reality makes me feel pure dismay

Beyond trying to rhyme I’m trying make sense

To myself

when I read this later I hope that it helps

But it won’t

I’m divorced from the hope

My therapist tells me that eventually this gets better

I’d like to ask her “how soon” but I’m afraid that she’ll accidentally speak the truth and say “never”

She says “it’ll be like you’re seeing the world through new glasses”

And I can’t help but wonder what I’ll miss with these things blocking my view

Maybe I’m worrying too much about things I have no power over

And I need to try to learn to—

I’m tired of writing now.

Deliver

Deliver

I’ll give you all of me

Even though…

me and my soul aren’t perfect

I’ll deliver all my love

Even though…

I’m sure that it’s not worth it

I’m a broken man

I swung and broke my hand

On the mirror and it mirrored

How my soul feels and I fear the

Result of my lacking

Will provoke your backing

Away from what I offer

I produce some shit that’s nastier than the mucus of a cougher

Because I’m lost and I’m empty

My dark sides tempting

And temptation is a weakness

That’s often left me peeking

Over my shoulder to the past

At the struggles I’ve had

And the pain I’ve endured

My life… been shitty like manure

So I block out the details because I’m frail and can’t maneuver

Around these land mines

So I resolve to plant shrines

Of excuses and mistakes

A monument to my fate

And my past, all at once

Flashback to that punch

And the glass that ricocheted

It’s kinda sad it ends this way

But I give you all my skills

All my flaws, all the thrills

That comes with my imperfection

This is my love. Do not reject it.