Interchanging

Interchanging

My life’s just a cycle
Full of people I recycle
I won’t fuss or fight you
Just cut out and knife you
From the picture of my life
Never share in strain or strife
Display my pain away from light
Avoid relationships except at night
And that’s the fight I fight
To maintain my distance
From friends to relatives the disdains consistent
And my frames persistent
Won’t stop until I get it, not knowing that alone is the direction that I’m smitten
And the weapons that I’m spittin
Are to fight against my spirit and my natural disposition
Which is to be me, alone no friendlies you can rent some time with but trust me that lease
Won’t get extended more than once
I feel expended, where’s a blunt?
I don’t smoke anymore so won’t stunt
But I’ve suspended what I want.
And by that I mean that ive yearned for connections
But I’m stern and I deflect to not be viewed sweet like confections
And the treat of these suggestions is the duality of my existence
My roles forever changing, being a chameleons what I’m best at
But where do I rest at? A home without love?
And I love how I’ve lived but my life is not done
So where do I go from here?
I’ll never change, I fear
So I instead of changing as a means to an end
I resolve to interchange my friends.

This is just a poem about the nostalgia that comes from the realization that you’ve fucked over lots people. Friends family and girlfriends. Going through pictures and seeing old friends that I haven’t spoken to in God knows how long. And it sucks because I can’t ask God how long it’s been for them because I’ve shat on that relationship with Him so thoroughly that I’m afraid to start mending that fence. I’ve interchanged so many people in my life and burnt them out one at a time and moved on to the next one without the slightest regard for anything or anyone except for myself. I’ve shadily loved, selfishly lived, and endlessly lost. All due to interchanging.

Below I’ll list some people that come to mind when I read this and the relationship we once had.

High school
my best friend was Ronnie johnson and it seems like since high school ended we ain’t shit
Whitney miller was like my lil brother and we just clicked but idk what’s going on with her these days
My prom date was Sabrina woods and i don’t think we’ve spoken since then.
I used and abused Jamie wright because she was a sweetheart and didn’t believe me when I told her I was an asshole and it wasn’t a front.
Dough-retta Martin was the homie and I only see her when I go to lutfis which is like once every two years.
My boy mike Davis moved to Texas and I just lost touch with him. And his brother Maurice.
My boy jr Hardin. We see each other at pnl once every two years. That’s it.
Darron Parker. I literally ate lunch with that nigga every day in high school. And now we just talk shit on twitter about sports.
Lauren mezzacasa. Man. I fucked that one up royally. She hate me.
And so many more….

College
Lauren again. She hate me. Lol.
All my friends Sam bell, Rosie burks, Courtney I can’t even remember your last name. We went to the UNO game freshman year. It’s pics of it and everything. I called y’all my sisters. And now I honestly don’t know if they are dead or alive.
My nigga Ryan Griffin. That’s my ace. But our communication is brief, shit talk, and bragging about past smashes.
Tyler Schubert Derek Tapps thatcher Hilyard jimmy Carrington. Sam lane. Zheer Ibrahim. All them fucking tkes and sigkaps and trisigs I used to roll with.
Shaylee Yount was my best friend at one point.
Elijah Allen was my dude first two years of college. Then I was just trying not to smash the same chicks as him.
Kelsey Resa. She hate my ass too.
My lil bro Julius Nero. We only talk when I’m offering him a job.
CJ Chester. Derrick Hightower. Only talk shit on twitter.
Carisa Holt. She hate me.
Man. I have former roommates that I pass here and there in my journeys and don’t remember their names. This dude Cody something. The fuck?
Countless broads. They all hate me. And they fucking should. I been a scum bag.
My whole family. I ignored them for like a year straight just because.
Seth wade. We still spoke but he fucked me over on some work shit. Fuck him and his life.
Charity, Ms Kenda, Bryan hogan, Renoil, Otonye, Karl, tiff, ebone, Ashley, toddy, jevae, prince, Elashun, and all these other people I’ve met through freedom school. I barely even know if they exist these days dude. That’s terrible.
Cari Kurzdorfer. She hate me. She should.
My lil sister Joelle. Used to be my best friend, real shit. Now I don’t know anything Bout her.
My lil brother Jameson. I missed his graduation. I’m supposed to be taking care of him but my follow through was piss poor.
I’ve missed so many holidays and birthdays…. I have a niece I haven’t met. A brother that’s overseas that I refuse to speak to. A mother I haven’t seen in like two years. A sister that’s married and I had no idea. Shit. Two of those. So much.. Too much to count… I’ve missed so many names in this shit. Interchanging. The one thing I’ve learned is… People aren’t interchangeable. I’ve tried to make them that and it ruined relationships and emotions. Damn.

FIN

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2 Responses to “Interchanging”

  1. First off I would like to say excellent blog! I had a quick question that I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was interested to find out how you center yourself and clear your thoughts before writing. I’ve had a difficult
    time clearing my mind in getting my ideas out. I do take pleasure in writing but
    it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally lost simply just trying to figure
    out how to begin. Any ideas or hints? Thank you!

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