Focus 3/3

*sigh of contention*

Confessions of a Puppeteer

Let me start from the beginning
This is a story about how I started sinning
About how my life became losses
And how I hope to start winning

A girl, that’s the start
But isn’t it always?
Chased her around Vegas
Up and down some hallways
But she was so stunning
So cunning and a liar
But I loved her to death
She was the muse of my desires
And the fires
I lit as a testament for our feelings
Never burned out
To this day it’s scorching through buildings
But even then I wasn’t pure
Couldn’t treat you like you wanted
And the things I did to try
To this day im still haunted
So I stepped out on you
Had a few chicks on the side
Trying to plug holes that you poked
Let em suck the water from i
But still the ship sank
And I felt like I was drowning
Until the day I left and found my smile
And left you with memories of me drowning

Now back to my home
The city that raised me
Back to my ways
Of misbehaving
My name on every girl that I touched
Every lip that I kissed
Every pussy I fucked
Made em all expendable
Never let nobody in
Until my prom date popped up
And we actually became friends
But she wasn’t ready
And I wish we never met
Because now she’s moved on
And I just remember regret
She was perfect in many ways
Shit she could have been the one
But I was thinking with my dick
Plotting ways to have fun
So to college we went
Our separate ways but kept in touch
That’s when my sins really started
I was focused solely on sluts

to be exact in college is
The place where things came to the forefront
Born through a need to be mysterious
Had a smile to help me stunt
And oh god did I bed my fair share of dames
I’d try counting but get lost
Remembering faces but not names
One stands out, she threw my heart for a loop
Curve ball came fast
But Lemme give you the scoop
We took class together and when we studied we clicked
Next thing I know I had my face on her clit
Then I was in her, and her on me
Things moved fast we started talking about l-o-v-e
And that was a mistake
Because I’d leave her, going raw
And took my happy ass up to the next floor
Same habits, not dead
New chick, new bed
Still empty inside
Both my heart and head
And don’t feel bad for her, she was doing the same
Just kids having fun driving each other insane
So we split, and moved on
Knew that it wouldn’t last
And my sights then were set
On a blast from my past

So this girl grew up, body matured
And we were friends in high school so I had it secured
And she had messed with one of my boys so I knew I could hit
But before too long I felt feelings and shit
And she did too, we were such a cute couple
I claimed her to my friends
And took her out in public
But that wasn’t enough
She always wanted more
And I had nothing left to give
So I reverted to being a whore
And in the midst of all of this
We weren’t careful enough about the sex
Next thing I know she was sending a text
About her punctuation mark, and that time of the month
How it never happened
And how the whole thing was scary as fuck
She got tested, it came back
And she said we gotta fix it
I just agreed to be supportive
But never really thought on my decision
But it happened. We had to.
Secure our own separate lives
Because this changed everything
The love turned to like
Like turned to hate, and hate took me back to cheating
And all we did was fight
Where we both always got defeated
Deceit and lies on both of our parts
But I called her baby killer
Broke hers, and threw away my heart
So yea she hates me
And I don’t blame her at all
Because I hate what we did
But hate myself most of all

Anyway, I moved on and got back to my sinning
Meeting girls at parties, smiling and grinning
Leave a girl alone
at the first sign of a fight with you
Rotating door of sex
Every girl was recyclable
And now that makes me sick
But then it made me feel whole
Numbed the pain of my past
Every time i filled a hole
Until I met another girl that was sweet as could be
Would have died for me
But my defeatist attitude
Had to intervene
I was sure she wasn’t right
Had reasons it couldn’t prosper
Wrote notes on how we couldn’t make it
Developed my own gospel
Succumbed to the gossip
Made the relationship more hostile
But she still tried to save me
And to this day I don’t know why
My inability to really love made me push her to the side
Created distance, that was safe
Only way to ever shield myself from heartbreak
And we stayed friends for a while
But eventually kinda lost touch
The whole time I was distracted by my friend with a fat butt

And she was really my best friend
We had each other’s backs
But I struggled to understand
Was more focused on snatch
Scratch that, not really
She always knew what I was doing
But I know it hurt when I had girls
Around her, and our friendship got ruined
In this same time span I met the woman of my dreams
I mean, she was perfect, the one to get me clean
And freed my sins, loosened from the chains of my addiction
To girls and unhealthy relationships, from falling in love work through my afflictions
I always thought she was too good
So I could never ask her to try to see my potential
I had no proven work
No resumé, no credentials
To this day I still wish I got right to get her
And I see she moved on, and I’m happy but it hurts

Because instead of her, I found myself the total opposite
This girl popped pills and drank and smoked
But she was fun so I made it happen
But then things got real and I must admit I just choked
Froze up at the thought of being with somebody
Especially a girl that’s all about nothing parties
But damn man I loved her, again I wish I was better
If we met two years later
That relationship would have been forever
But we didn’t, Gods will
Or whatever I should say
In reality it was the same as the past
I pushed her ass away
But she stayed and we fought
Tried to make it work
Until she cheated on me with a dude
From the drake concert
I had to laugh
Because the irony is
I had just given up all
The hoes on my dick
But I tried to swallow my pride
See if the pain would subside
It never did so we ended
Man one hell of a ride…

So much more took place
But I’m not in a place to share
Scars are still open
And I think I still care

Let me say, as the puppeteer
I’ve pulled strings to get my way
But that doesn’t change that the hurt from my past
Kills me each day
The first girl, I treated terribly
knew nothing of love at 16
We were stupid and happy though
So it wasn’t as bad as it seems
She taught me so much
And so much I must say that I’ve forgotten
But the main thing is “never give up” even when you’re downtrodden
The next girl that was serious, that I’ll never forget
I think i ruined her forever
I wish we had just called it quits
We almost shared something
That would have linked us for life
But instead we immaturely went and extinguished a life
And I don’t blame you
But I do blame us
And I’ll never again be able
To give a girl that much trust
So I’m fearful of the future
Especially because karmas a bitch
And I treated so many women wrong
In the name of my dick
So in trying to do better
First step is that I own this
Stop pulling strings on this fake puppet
It’s like my clone its..
Scary just to think that I’ve never been myself
Instead ive been these lies
Lied about needing help
I’m lost and have been ever since I was just a kid
Someone please find me, please come and free me from my sins
These strings. They tie me down.
Hold me to a routine
Just cut me free
So I can try a new thing
Be honest and be true
Allow myself to be happy
And try to learn to love me
Because I’m the cause of all this happening
I blame Julius for it all
Everyone else mentioned: a victim
So instead let’s use these strings
Let’s use them for lynching.

I’ve had the nerve to tell many girls that I love them
But without knowing what it is
I’m speaking folly, not even a whim
Of the weight or the scope
Of the words that I spewed
So many hearts shattered in my wake
I don’t think I deserve to continue


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