Flirtation

Hi lol

I’ve been swooned by my mania

I think I might love her

When she hits it’s like heroine

She becomes my heroin

I need it in my life and nothing else matters

Stab that needle in my vein until my fuckin skin shatters

And I’m vain so I smile and cover up my skin flaws

Concealing all my wounds, as I stumble through the halls

Bouncing off the walls when I know she’s coming through

If they could talk, they’d say “addict” and I’d just say “who”

Whew.

It’s such a high and I swear I’m never coming down

But eventually I cheat with depression and the pavement is my cloud

I’m grounded

And reality kicks in

And I can’t pick myself up because I’m gripping my sanity

Depression has a hold that’s stronger than gravity

My hands are full with this battle and my cup runneth over

I was swooned and now I’m swallowed as she whispers from my shoulder

“You can’t maintain it, the happiness is fake”

And I nod and just listen because the alternative is faint

Feint… I fake try to fight it

But it’s easier to embrace you

Because you’re what I’ve always known

You’re always there for me, better or worse

You don’t make me happy but when I lose you it doesn’t hurt

The perks of you don’t compare to what my mania gives me

But you make me feel sane about the fact that I loathe living

When the highs aren’t hitting

You’re always circling back

And if I don’t have anything, at least I have that

So I accept your advances

We grind and we’re dancin

I can’t have happiness so I’ll settle for depression

Because that manic bitch be lying

She doesn’t want me, so I’m really done trying

But one day I’ll feel different

I’ll want the old thing again

The anxiety will settle in

And she’ll be my only fix

The drug that I need to survive this shit

So I juggle both loves without a thought of selection

I think couples therapy is a very cute suggestion

But it takes time that I don’t have so I lean toward hesitation

Being fickle is the way, indecision is my turn taken

Balancing them both takes some heavy meditation

So I …commit to neither, just some light flirtation

Believe In Me

When you wake up and I’m gone

Understand that there’s a reason

I’m not leaving for your sake

But just for the sake of leaving

I’ll exit and I’ll fade

Leave your memories at their peak

Because if I stay

I’ll fuck it up, I promise I’ll make your eyes leak

It’s what I do, it’s what I’ve done

And it’s not because it’s fun

It’s muscle memory, it’s who I am

I make things nice and then I run

And I’m quick with it

Athletic to an extent

I dodge around your offerings of love

Because i don’t deserve love, I barely deserve to exist

I repent, for my agility

Im sprinting to the finish

I dash past your “wait I love you”

Because if you were smart, you would forget it

You believe in a me that I simply can’t sustain

The energy it requires would indeed leave me drained

And it’s not worth it to me

I don’t love you like you think

You were wrong and I was right

I don’t deserve your beliefs

How Many Times..

When we are old and I’m losing it

Do you think you still can?

Can you piece me back together?

When I’m crazy

And you can’t stand it

Can you piece us back together?

When my fight is gone

And your will is waning

Could we possibly dig deeper?

When I’m manic and I disappear

Will you know that I’ll be back?

When I’m depressed and I give up

Will you be the reason that I don’t?

How many times.. can you learn to love me?

Because i change everyday

It’s the way that my brain has to function

I’d rather wing it right now

I’m anti medicine at this junction

The gumption

It takes to love me when I don’t love me

Seems to be the trait that everybody else lacked

And when my emotional wherewithal slacks

Is it possible that you’ll still love me?

My mood swings

I get stand offish

My apathy grows

I become awful

Can you remind me that I love you?

When I can’t show you or tell you

Will you remind you that you love me?

You shouldn’t have to

This isn’t fair

But I promise even when I’m a shell

I still care

But I’m broken and Can’t be fixed

When I show my best, it’s not a trick

It’s who I am in that moment

But I’m someone different very often

I try to control it but I’m not that great

Will you sign up for this each day?

When I tell you to leave, I am not worth it

I truly mean it

But I also need you to ignore me

It’s not okay that I have to ask

If your love for me will last

But I must and so I do

How many times.. until you’re through?

When I Disappear

When I disappear

Will the cheers drown out the tears

Will you search or just succumb to the fears?

If you search, where will you look?

Are you afraid of what you’ll find?

Are you sure that I’m with friends?

Do you think I’ve run out of time?

Or simply run away

I need my essence to… fade

And decay, as I degrade the memories of yesterday

I didn’t love you, and telling that lie was like pulling teeth

I only operated out of selfishness, to avoid any defeat

The feat that I pulled off is Keyser Söze type shit

And you can’t get mad because I’m not around to fight with

That…. slight grip, that you had on reality

Didn’t quite fit, I resist when you try corralling me

I’m traveling… to a place where we are all ghostly

We can embrace the narcissism, small talk becomes boasting

Your throat seems.. choked up, you’re shocked at what you read

I can hear your eyes welling up, as your heart starts to plead

With your brain; trying to cast doubt

That my disappearance isn’t true

But it happens every day, when I pretend to be happy

With you

Dancing 2

We two step; a step closer to demise

But they’re safe in my arms, we’re both hidden by disguise

We lock eyes.. and we know that this dance is more like a fight

Because we both need control, but we are swaying in the light

Beautiful silhouettes grace the floor as just shadows

You lose your balance just a bit, I reach out and I grab you

I pull you back up, because I love you to the end

Even though you try to kill me, every time I let you in

And every time you push me out, I know you’ll call me back

Because I provide you with… that something that you lack

Just relax, we can do this, we can both be baby

We can take turns being in control, I’ll run things when you’re lazy

When you’re sad and you’re down

And when I’m crazy, running around

You just have to hold me down

Let’s spin through the rollercoaster, eyes open

I promise you this time our bond won’t be broken

I put my hand on your back, your head on my shoulder

We dance through the mood swings, this is being bipolar.

Dancing 1

We sway

The rhythm drains me

but I’m hooked

I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and it disdains me

And I’m shook

Because we have beautiful chemistry

Sliding forth and back

Sweating and I’m glistening

Perspirations drowning out what I lack

My partner is the perfect balance

Yang to my yin

No other couple is a challenge

I feel like we have the win

And so we sin

Telling lies as we sway

Killing each other to everybody’s dismay

Lying on the floor, we start to get in the way

Why can’t we just be normal? We do this shit, no delay

Onlookers are appalled

Or maybe they’re enthralled

At the destruction that we cause as we start to decay

Masks melt away, we sway and we sway

We tussle for control of the sweet serenade

My mania and my depression, which one gets to stay?

I get my fucking groove on, being bipolar— is the dance that I dance everyday

Thumbing Through Thoughts

A letter to my siblings

I’d rather suffer in silence

Because sis

You remind me of her smile

It was rare but radiant

The frown appeared to me

More often

And it appeared to be

Preferred

My words

Will never capture

How lost I feel, like she was scooped up in the rapture

By gods hands

…God damn

I hate that he’s here and her life slipped

And I’m left with my hands like why

But cupped together and filled with tear drips

Drops…

And why not?

I bottled so much

And I’m shaken, ready to explode like pop

Or soda

Whichever colloquialism you adhere to

And bro

Bereavement requires openness

That I simply lack but I wish I could provide a shoulder

But like her I know you’ll soldier on

So I shoulder shrug and pretend

I wish I could offer hugs but in the end

I feel more broken than before

And I’d rather not leave the stench of my sadness

Because your own healing is such a chore

So why share mine?

Sis, y’all laugh like her and make me laugh like her

And cook food for the family in a delicious way like her

So don’t be suspicious I’m suicidal

Sis

Just know that I love you all

but the remnants of Audrey makes me feel viral

Sick..

Bro

don’t worry because I’m still here

And I hear you and see you through all the tears and the fear

Because, randomly, odd memories

Help me see that you’ve grown to be the person she always knew you’d be

The little kid that I would bully and tease

Is a fucking superhero

Who grows tired of the world being broken for others

And he’s trying to morph it into something more worthy for his mother

And sis

Sisters

Y’all give me so much joy

With the way y’all roll your eyes like Audrey

Behind glasses like Audrey

Giving cheers or chairs to whomever deserves it like Audrey

Cutting through the bullshit to be real like Audrey

And so I avoid you all because I love you all

Like Audrey

jaded

I’m sorry but you’re way too jaded

I’m not what you think so why do you tolerate it?

Being loved is so overrated

I do better with feeling like I’m hated

Because with love I have to explain I’m not worth it

I could try to be better but then I’d want to be perfect

Because I’m addicted to doing more

Or the most and straddling the fence is such a chore

So I lean into being horrible, it’s just what my curse is

I’m gifted so I embrace it to the point that I hate myself, with no regard for when I hurt shit

My own feelings

I insult until I’m left reeling

And I’m deserving because I’m a real villain

Killing, myself and this image you have in your brain and

It’s all for the better, because eventually it’ll be faded

And you can see the true me, without all of filters

Of me trying to be better, or worth a fuck, the efforts just knock me off kilter

And I’m exhausted from this your expectations are just draining

So I’m begging, just acknowledge and accept that I’m permanently tainted

Don’t try to love me, it never works— the results aren’t changing

I’m the bad guy, open your eyes, stop being….

jaded

I’ll let you decide the title this time

I’m in love with them all.

Because they all make me feel like I’m worthy in different ways

I can’t disconnect but I have to disconnect

I have to save them from me

This disaster is inevitable

I wish they could see the truth

They would run

So I wouldn’t have to

I’m tired

What did you love about me?

What did you think you saw?

I hope you can articulate because I’m ignorant to it all

I’m asking such a question

Because I’ve hit a point where I think I’m doing right

But there’s something clawing at my spirit when I lie awake at night

Slowly it swallows me

Like my shadow it follows me

And I try to compensate my eternal emptiness with tons of these hollow things

Yet and still… I’m borrowing

Your perspective just to see

How you saw through all the bullshit

The hectic that is me

The chaos that I bring and the pain that I emit

I speak it plainly, because to not acknowledge would simply be remiss

I’m a disaster to the people that I swear I care about

And I’m toxic in a way that really brings the fears out

I can’t fathom how you love me

So I anticipate the other shoe

And my paranoia sets in, I can’t even enjoy my time with you

Time

Such a funny concept because it’s really not real

I’m disconnected from it all, so every second I steal

To reminisce and remember, my past holds it all together

And the future is elusive, I’m pretty sure I’m off better

Better off without having it

So I don’t attend to these events

As the present goes on I am perfectly content

To cocoon and hibernate, not participate, not to worry

It seems sad but I’ve realized this is my perfect love story

To love so much that I’m afraid that I’ll love too hard too fast

And never feeling like I’m worthy, of the love that I have had

I’ll keep pushing you away because one day I know you’ll see

That I don’t deserve the comparison to the image that you’ve created of me

Decision, decision, what will you call this self loathing collection of thumb clicks?

Will you remember me as your memories, or as I really did exist?

You Shouldn’t Miss Me

You shouldn’t miss me

You should’ve kissed me

Harder the last time you saw me because that was it

There’s no more fight

There’s no more energy

I should’ve hugged you tighter than ever

Because soon my arms will be limp and lifeless

Life gets…

Difficult when your brain is your own worst enemy

And intricacies are infinite when trying to explain that waking up is the biggest lift of your day

That opening your eyes in the morning for other people is no way to live

Love isn’t something, it’s just nothing

And I should feel bad

But I just feel tired

And the loneliness isn’t a feeling anymore it just is

From a cloak to my skin

It’s how every day begins

And ends

And until this life ends I’ll feel enveloped

Encased in a cage that is my own construct

A device that strangles life and no matter how many words I write

I just can’t convince myself that this torture should continue

So it should end

And when it does I hope that nobody feels guilt

I hope that everybody that met me knows that they helped pull me from under this quilt

Of depression that is blanketed across my back

You helped me when I didn’t want it

And every day after that I just felt haunted

By the ghosts of decisions made for other people

And I love those people and they loved me

But that love never felt whole so instead I always felt empty

I should’ve told someone

I should’ve went to therapy

But needing a weekly pep talk to continue existing made me feel such lethargy

And apathy and actually I’d rather just fucking not

Instead I’m going to turn to knots

And a rope

And just choke

Or maybe pills

Will bring the thrill

That these days are no more

And I can just fall and embrace the floor

And sink and sink and fucking sink

Because I’ve been drowning for as long as I could think

And now I’m sitting with a smile as I contemplate the feeling of “never again” and my eyes feel misty

I just wanted you all to know that it’s not you, it’s me, and you shouldn’t miss me